Vestiges
five years ago, on this day -- a cold february evening in boston -- a boy called to break up with me. (yes, on the phone.) i cried about him, the first time in a long time i'd done such a thing. i was heartbroken, because i was really in love. (yes, even at 19.)
i stayed in touch with him, and attracted to him, for a few years thereafter. it was hard to get over him, and it finally took a triangular disaster to make me realize i needed him gone. but it took me more years than that to be able to get rid of the valentine's day gift i'd bought him in anticipation of valentine's day 2003: the cutest little stuffed bunny i've ever seen.
this year, february 7 is sunny and warm-ish, and i'm in a different city -- although boston continues to lure me back every so often -- at a different phase in my life. and i am happy now, and safe, and no longer in love with him... but i think about that friday evening more often than would seem necessary.
perhaps that day was meant to show me how things cannot always be planned. or perhaps its purpose was to teach me how well i heal, despite despair. but the fact is that no matter what the lesson, and no matter how far life carries us from our starting points, these things stay with us. i'm glad this one did with me. so much came after... but it all began with a phone call, all those years ago.
today will be a reflective day, i can just tell.
Labels: Boys, Life The Universe and Everything, Me Me Me Me Me, Meta
posted by ~*sim*~ @ 9:44 AM
8 comments
8 Comments:
Someone (i can't quite remember who) once told me that its bad to think so much.....that when you think so much, the only person who gets hurt is YOU.
Along the years, i've tried to follow that piece of advice and have found that when i am able, it helps tremendously.
Try it....and lemme know how it works for you...:)
dear sahil (if it is you),
i've been told this before (by people whom i can remember -- perhaps because i think so much?) i'm nothing if not a thinker (and, relatedly, a feeler). i imagine my life might be less visceral, and less painful, without the thoughts that tumble through my head all day, but it wouldn't be quite as illuminating, quite as intense, or quite as much fun. i'm ok with the hurt if it's accompanied by insight and self-awareness.
in another vein, thinking is what defines much of my professional life, and i can't really stop if i want to be able to process, ideate, and eventually write, can i?
my suggestion back to you is to *think about* how thought, and analysis, can be constructive and constitutive... and how advocating mental numbness is perhaps not the most active way to go through life. i, for one, won't have it.
cheers,
sim
sounds like someone's a true descartean :).
you think, therefore you are. i agree with sim.
Well said. And i see where you're coming from.
Going forward, i now read your post in a different light..."constructive and constitutive analysis" is always good....and you're right when you say it must be welcomed.
"Advocating mental numbness" are indeed strong words. Thats not what i meant at all. All i meant to say is....sometimes....thinking too much can and will hurt ONLY you.
~Pensive
ahh, acquiescence. sweet! (but then, i wouldn't expect any less from someone who uses the moniker "pensive"... ;-))
(also, yes, i know that both over-thinking *and* under-thinking can be dangerous. thanks for the qualification :-))
:)
Happy Birthday, sweet Sim!
Love,
CK
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